‘You must be riddled’ Mark said on the phone laughing.
I laughed nervously. I had just told him that I’d never had a sexual health check.
‘Here’s the number of the GUM’.
I took down the number, chatted a bit more with Mark before deciding to do some shopping. ‘I don’t need a sexual health check, I don’t need a sexual health check’ I obsessed for about thirty minutes. I got back, did some research on the internet ( I procrastinternet very well) and I found there was a gay men’s health clinic on a Wednesday night. I rang and I found myself there a few days ago trying to write out my name and address, but shaking so much that all I could produce was a spidery line. There were three other people in the waiting room. And even though I was nervous I still managed to cruise all of them.
I felt a bit calmer – I read the Ideal Home that was placed on the coffee table, next to the booklet entitled ‘Cock Tales’ – and drank more water. I glanced up and a guy gave me a quick smile of ‘I know what you are going through’. I gave a quick smile back. Actually everyone in the room was relaxed, I was thinking this is no big deal. I wondered if I should talk to him, but I didn’t know what the right GUM/STI clinic etiquette was. ‘So what are you in for?’ might not be the best approach. But then again I thought these guys are responsible for their own health.
My name was called. Would I allow a nurse to sit in? No thanks. I felt terrible as the Doctor dismissed the nurse and she walked sheepishly away. (Richard has told me not to worry – he said that she was probably glad of the break and had a cup-of –soup).
The doctor introduced himself and promptly asked
‘When did you last have sex?’
‘er, Monday’.
‘Oral, Anal?’
‘Oral.’I said my throat closing up.
‘Where was he from?’
‘He was Austrian’.
‘And your last sexual encounter before that?’
‘Australian’. The doctor laughed and looked impressed.
‘Oral, Anal?’
‘Oral again’.
He asked me to undress but that I could keep my shoes on. I knew there was no way I could take my jeans off over my shoes, but as it was a doctor saying it I tried. After five minutes of struggling, I took my shoes off, undid my jeans and boxers and waited for the swabbing. The first swab was from my throat, the second from my penis. Now when I think of a swab I think of a light brush with a cotton bud, but this! I could feel it in my throat. Actually it was so quick I had only a tiny bit of discomfort, and to be honest it was better than some blow jobs I have had (or probably given). Anyway, next up was two swabs up my bottom. I made the mistake of clenching after he put the swab in, but again no harm was done and I kept my dignity.
Next were the blood tests and hep shots. I told the doctor about being shocked about the penis swab – he apologised and then said ‘you’re really going through it’. I apologised and said I was acting like a baby. ‘No you’re not,’ he said quite seriously and added ‘you poor bugger’. Perhaps not the choicest of words but I understood his sentiment. In fact, all through the process I felt that this doctor actually cared for me. He really was compassionate and I must thank him for that. As he was giving me my hep shots (so I can enjoy rimming, fingering, and travelling to foreign climes - I blushed when the doctor said this – not the foreign bit) I checked out my doctor’s package. Is that wrong?
The Doctor recommended that I had a glass of wine and a painkiller (I wanted to say couldn’t I just take the copy of Ideal home with me?), and that he would see me next week for my second injection and urine test. (I couldn’t produce a drop even though I’d had three glasses of water). He then gave me three packs of condoms to which I said ‘I’ll take them, but I’m not really an anal kind of guy’. Why did I say that, why? And to make matters worse I added ‘But you never know’.
Anyway to recover I went round to Matthew’s, drank half a bottle of Cava, ate a packet of mini-eggs and some salsa with mesquite crisps. It was on doctor’s orders.
Matthew and his flat mate both said the same thing. ‘If you do the crime, then you have to do the time , especially if you are a deviant’! Now I wouldn’t mind so much but Matthew is gay and his flat mate is a single woman aged 33 who works in a employment agency – now that’s deviant! Seriously though this makes me very angry – although it was supposed to be a joke it is deeply not funny. Consensual sex between two adults, whether it be for love, recreation, or avoiding the washing up is never a crime or deviance.
OK rant over. But although I have made fun of my experience I was being daft. I should have been had a sexual health check before but I chose to ignore it, because I was embarrassed. My embarrassment lasted two minutes and I have already forgotten it. Perhaps if I had taken more responsibility before with my sexual health, I would not have been so nervous. So, if you are worried about going to a GUM/STI clinic then just go. There’s a good choice of magazines, some cute men and afterwards you can eat as much chocolate as you like.
I laughed nervously. I had just told him that I’d never had a sexual health check.
‘Here’s the number of the GUM’.
I took down the number, chatted a bit more with Mark before deciding to do some shopping. ‘I don’t need a sexual health check, I don’t need a sexual health check’ I obsessed for about thirty minutes. I got back, did some research on the internet ( I procrastinternet very well) and I found there was a gay men’s health clinic on a Wednesday night. I rang and I found myself there a few days ago trying to write out my name and address, but shaking so much that all I could produce was a spidery line. There were three other people in the waiting room. And even though I was nervous I still managed to cruise all of them.
I felt a bit calmer – I read the Ideal Home that was placed on the coffee table, next to the booklet entitled ‘Cock Tales’ – and drank more water. I glanced up and a guy gave me a quick smile of ‘I know what you are going through’. I gave a quick smile back. Actually everyone in the room was relaxed, I was thinking this is no big deal. I wondered if I should talk to him, but I didn’t know what the right GUM/STI clinic etiquette was. ‘So what are you in for?’ might not be the best approach. But then again I thought these guys are responsible for their own health.
My name was called. Would I allow a nurse to sit in? No thanks. I felt terrible as the Doctor dismissed the nurse and she walked sheepishly away. (Richard has told me not to worry – he said that she was probably glad of the break and had a cup-of –soup).
The doctor introduced himself and promptly asked
‘When did you last have sex?’
‘er, Monday’.
‘Oral, Anal?’
‘Oral.’I said my throat closing up.
‘Where was he from?’
‘He was Austrian’.
‘And your last sexual encounter before that?’
‘Australian’. The doctor laughed and looked impressed.
‘Oral, Anal?’
‘Oral again’.
He asked me to undress but that I could keep my shoes on. I knew there was no way I could take my jeans off over my shoes, but as it was a doctor saying it I tried. After five minutes of struggling, I took my shoes off, undid my jeans and boxers and waited for the swabbing. The first swab was from my throat, the second from my penis. Now when I think of a swab I think of a light brush with a cotton bud, but this! I could feel it in my throat. Actually it was so quick I had only a tiny bit of discomfort, and to be honest it was better than some blow jobs I have had (or probably given). Anyway, next up was two swabs up my bottom. I made the mistake of clenching after he put the swab in, but again no harm was done and I kept my dignity.
Next were the blood tests and hep shots. I told the doctor about being shocked about the penis swab – he apologised and then said ‘you’re really going through it’. I apologised and said I was acting like a baby. ‘No you’re not,’ he said quite seriously and added ‘you poor bugger’. Perhaps not the choicest of words but I understood his sentiment. In fact, all through the process I felt that this doctor actually cared for me. He really was compassionate and I must thank him for that. As he was giving me my hep shots (so I can enjoy rimming, fingering, and travelling to foreign climes - I blushed when the doctor said this – not the foreign bit) I checked out my doctor’s package. Is that wrong?
The Doctor recommended that I had a glass of wine and a painkiller (I wanted to say couldn’t I just take the copy of Ideal home with me?), and that he would see me next week for my second injection and urine test. (I couldn’t produce a drop even though I’d had three glasses of water). He then gave me three packs of condoms to which I said ‘I’ll take them, but I’m not really an anal kind of guy’. Why did I say that, why? And to make matters worse I added ‘But you never know’.
Anyway to recover I went round to Matthew’s, drank half a bottle of Cava, ate a packet of mini-eggs and some salsa with mesquite crisps. It was on doctor’s orders.
Matthew and his flat mate both said the same thing. ‘If you do the crime, then you have to do the time , especially if you are a deviant’! Now I wouldn’t mind so much but Matthew is gay and his flat mate is a single woman aged 33 who works in a employment agency – now that’s deviant! Seriously though this makes me very angry – although it was supposed to be a joke it is deeply not funny. Consensual sex between two adults, whether it be for love, recreation, or avoiding the washing up is never a crime or deviance.
OK rant over. But although I have made fun of my experience I was being daft. I should have been had a sexual health check before but I chose to ignore it, because I was embarrassed. My embarrassment lasted two minutes and I have already forgotten it. Perhaps if I had taken more responsibility before with my sexual health, I would not have been so nervous. So, if you are worried about going to a GUM/STI clinic then just go. There’s a good choice of magazines, some cute men and afterwards you can eat as much chocolate as you like.
P.S. I am aware that this post may cause offence. It was not my intention to make fun of sexual health infections, only my own daftness in not getting checked out for so long. Taking an HIV test is serious and most clinics offer counselling before and after the result. This is your right!
